before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
