Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
then he tried to convert me to islam
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
