she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
