my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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