I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
