Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
