don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I'm determined to sit on that face.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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