im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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