so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Randomize
