We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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