Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
