Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
