in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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