Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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