I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
