Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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