so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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