I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
