Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Damn victory sex feels great
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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