You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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