My underwear smells like fireworks.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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