I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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