we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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