I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I just sucked dick on a ferry
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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