what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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