Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
