the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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