I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
