A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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