apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Help. Why am I so naked?
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
