just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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