my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize
