i just wanna soil my oats bro
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
