My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Randomize
