Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
