the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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