Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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