Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Randomize
