Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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