Just fell off a train. Bad.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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