3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Randomize
