looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Randomize
