My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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