the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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