I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
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