You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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