You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
