You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Randomize
