I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
