Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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