17 year olds will be the death of me.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize