i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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