two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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