Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize