we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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