I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
I don't deserve a penis
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
