Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
I think my vagina is haunted
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I came so hard my ears popped.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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