the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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