my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
