his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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