I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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